You may be wondering, how is this Mercury in retrograde affecting everyone? Is it just me who is feeling it so intensely? No, it is affecting all of us in our own way. Each day this week I was talking to people who were experiencing some challenges due to this astrology. Just now, I spent about an hour on the phone talking to a couple of friends, who were complaining about their problems. And I can see that I can relate with my own issues coming up.

Briefly, this is the meaning of Mercury in retrograde: Astronomically, the planet Mercury appears to move backward, relative to how we see it move in the sky on Earth. It is the effect of Mercury passing by the Earth in its orbit around the sun. This phenomenon happens three or four times a year. Astrologically, we feel a little more unsettled with certain things in our lives.  For instance, past issues that you didn’t heal will come up to the surface, so you can evaluate them and fix them. Mercury typically affects communication and forces us to be extra careful and attentive with our actions, especially regarding written agreements, documents, electronic messaging, as well as communication and understanding in general. Of course, everyone is affected differently, depending on your own astrological chart.

Personally, this Mercury feels like it is about my own communication toward myself. About listening, seeing and witnessing myself and my inner dynamics. What am I telling myself? What are the lies I have been telling myself for so long? How does it make me feel? Am I working in alignment with my own truth? Interestingly, as I have mentioned earlier, I have heard others dealing with similar matters.

The beginning of this year has been great, and I have enjoyed this mild winter much more than any previous year. Maybe this is because I started practicing a cold-water swim 2-3 times a week. I have generally been happier, and some things positively shifted for me, for sure. Even though I added this new powerful practice, I still have my old programming and my negative inner monologue.

I still have unresolved fears, which have been mostly suppressed. Not only fears, but also different habits are beginning to surface, showing me that it’s time to change them.

Now, let me tell you that there has been a lot of blessings this month with success, abundance and joy. However, I got carried away with my worries and negativity, instead of dwelling in gratitude. Simply because I haven’t resolved certain things, they are still in my system. Perhaps now is the time to work on this and heal it.

On a daily basis, I get to be confronted by my 3-year-old prince and his growing personality. He teaches me patience and compassion. On top of that, I got challenged by my physical side, not feeling too good and then going with my fears into the rabbit hole. (It can happen pretty often to the wellness/health-oriented people, when they feel aches and pains, they will quickly attribute it to some kind of serious illness). The old familiar program of creating worst-case scenarios, buying into the old ego games, means that I am still in the role of a victim. Here I was, sinking back into the dark self, worrying and feeling negative.

Later on, I chatted with my Buddhist friend, who told me that this is my old paradigm and it doesn’t fit in the new wave of the Cosmic light. Yeah, I know. Yet, I was interested to get helped. She advised me to meditate and connect to my Higher Self.

I am working toward spiritual ascension after all, so I do have to shift away from the old. This is a perfect astrological time to do it. I have been feeling pressure behind my eyes, the place of the third eye chakra. If there is cosmic information being downloaded, as my Buddhist friend says, that means I have not been able to see this information. This blockage manifested as physical pain.

We are so much more then we think. Our body is in this 3D dimension but our spirit, our consciousness, wants to expand, grow, and embody our truth and freedom. If you are a spiritual seeker, you will certainly be forced to transform. So, I am taking in this advice from a friend of mine and I meditated. “You must be willing to let go of what is keeping you from seeing truth. The fear is the ego’s way keeping you asleep. You must merge with your Higher Self.”

I am willing to see what it is, whatever is keeping me away from seeing my truth. I gave myself the commitment to transform. I am here, I am sitting down to quiet my mind, I am willing to see, I am willing to change, I am calling up gratitude as a transformative tool. This is my meditation.

Connecting my feet with the earth, my crown chakra with the divine Creator, I am taking time to think of what I am grateful in my life and in this moment. It is so much! I am aware how fortunate I am, and I get into the feeling of gratitude. I am abundant. Thank you, Universe, for all the goodness. I am blessed beyond imagination. I am breathing deep, and every breath magnifies my gratitude. I am here and now.

Why do I have this fear?! An aha moment for me is showing me the cause. The aha moment is revealing to me clearly, how I have been disconnecting from my Higher Self and buying into the negative ego self-talk.

“The moment of change is now. Right now. It is not in the past, not in the future. Now, with this new breath, this is the new me, feeling a new thought. I’m a choosing the thought I want to feel. Feeling free because I can!”

I Invite a compassion for myself. Then I remember moments when I was held, I don’t even know by who. I was loved. I am still loved because I can choose this feeling. We can all connect to this Source of Love. We all have it within ourselves. This is the moment of change. Now. Right now, I am choosing love and compassion for me. Fear doesn’t exist anymore. The change is now. I feel like I am disconnecting from the ego distractions and coming back into my alignment.

Strange, I never thought it could happen so fast and I can do it right away. I don’t need anyone to do it for me. I have to actually do it for myself, because no one else can do it for me.
This is my sweet lesson of self-acceptance. I can’t be preaching about it if I am in misalignment with myself. The pressure from my head which felt like I am seriously ill, is gone now. Telling myself and the world that I am a healer, that’s why I must heal my issues without delay. And the time is now.

A new day brought a new issue:
The Mercury is not over yet. What is it that my heart is dealing with? An old feeling of a heart break is surfacing up. Yes, I got triggered. Maybe I feel it correctly. Usually I am right with my feelings. But it could be also just a partially true and the rest is my old trauma. Or maybe it’s just an old trauma? I didn’t expect this to come up to the surface.

It’s time to sit down with myself again: My memory travels 15 years back to an event, which I thought has been resolved. I guess it wasn’t. Surprisingly, another event from my childhood came out strongly to my mind, to an event when I was 15 years old. And finally, my thoughts go to a time, when I was a little child with my best friend. I realize now that she often broke my heart, was humiliating me, and in general she was not treating me well. Time to forgive and let go.

Foremost, my life-long trauma was there because of my mother’s long-term illness. She constantly shared her issues with me as I was the oldest child. Here we go again. My subconscious mind recorded her trauma and it became my burden. I have taken her issues upon myself. She dealt with heartbreak and loneliness. I forgive her. I know she had it very difficult.

I am sitting down to connect with the Creator and my Higher Self to resolve this conflict. I am drawing Reiki symbols and sending it to each experience that I remembered, and I witness the transmuting of those past sad feelings. I ask to replace them with feelings of freedom and joy. I suddenly see a problem which was hidden. Wow. Clarity comes with awe. These people in my past were experiencing emotions like mine, on slightly different level. Fear, jealousy, loneliness. How interesting.

“However, now it’s time to take my responsibility for my feelings. I take my power back. I can change my feelings. Here and now.”

The following morning, I don’t feel the negativity as much anymore. My experiences of this day are fun, light, delightful, and inspiring instead. I feel transformed. I am happy I had this opportunity to sit with my thoughts and visualize them changing. This is my daily practice now. I love my new mediation. This Mercury has a lot to give for sure. I think I have a different attitude toward Mercury in retrograde at this point. And I love my cold-water practice too, I love this community, my wonderful family, this place where I live. I love my experiences and my empowerment.

What is next? I have to practice the great change and bring the desired feelings into ‘Now’. Feeling self-acceptance, compassion, unconditional love and freedom, and support right now. Remembering gratitude and deep breathing.

Thank you for sharing this experience with me. What was your experience like?